Bad Joke Monday

[InnerMuse]

"Give me your dirty, your bad taste,
For the huddled masses yearning to laugh free,
The wretched refuse of your worst jokes, galore.
Send these, the pun and word play, toilet-humor to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Ok, I'm going to get a little more specific. I'd like to see some political jokes and schtuff about Snakes on a Plane... if you've got it. Bonus points for sticking to the theme.

Good Luck!

[KNYTE]

I once saw a guy wearing a dress. Isn't that hilarious????

[InnerMuse]

I once saw a guy wearing a dress. Isn't that hilarious????
:dont:

Only if it's my roommate.:drool:

[SemperFly]

George Bush was visiting Mubarak in Egypt and they were out in the boondocks and George sees an old man with a white beard and hair in the distance and asks Mubarak, "Isn't that Moses"?
George was so convinced it was Moses that he called out and motioned to the man to come, but the man turned and started walking away. George, being a jogger, ran after him and caught up to him and stopped him and exclaimed, "You MUST be Moses".
The man replied, "Go away, the last time I talked to a bush, I had to roam the desert for 40 years."

[BeerAd]

I once saw a guy wearing a dress. Isn't that hilarious????

I thought we were not gonna talk about that and you moaning didnt sound like you were laughing.

[BeerAd]

At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the
lady indignantly.

"In this country, we don't speak aloud in public
places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa

tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi '."

[BeerAd]

this one has been around alot but i just got it again today...

You might be a Floridian if...

"Down South" means Key West

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or
Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

You get annoyed at the tourists who go swim in the ocean when it is below 60 outside.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea

level.

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent, except anyone from California.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer,
not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

It's not soda, cola, or pop...it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, "What kinda coke you want?"

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee and Withlacoochee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

Bumperstickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.

You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 12 when you first met

someone who couldn't swim.

You understand that below North Florida is NOT considered the South.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba"

[FlamingGlory]

Is anal retentive hyphenated?

[BeerAd]

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their

significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and

swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know,

they're standing before St.Peter.



First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook

his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.

You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."



Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in,

either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you

even married a woman named Candy!"



The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It

doesn't look good, Dick."

[BeerAd]

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a MissRight.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[BeerAd]

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[FlamingGlory]

Jeez, let'd go for the machine gun approach instead of picking things :P

[FlamingGlory]

Long.

This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself
This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph.

This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self-referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self- referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrating the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it.

This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down.

Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later.

This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the only sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even one single sentence from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence fragment, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, this sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. This sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later.

This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph.

This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story e.g., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self- indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless also serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well- meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is almost the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very raisons d'etre of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self- examination.

The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe that's why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences just like this one, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid

Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after frag- ment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device.

The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one.

This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start.

This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the subliminal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook.

Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.

The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry.

The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario.

This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line.

This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps this very clause? Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? One?

Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just try harder. I mean, there is such a thing as free will, there has to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just try harder.

By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder.

Sorry.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself.

This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is.

Sorry.

[SemperFly]

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or
Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.


A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee and Withlacoochee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

Bumperstickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba"yup :lol:

[FlamingGlory]

Epistemological Denotation Warning:

The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety warnings (including this one), associated with this product may
contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.

[SemperFly]

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
baaahahahahahahaha :lol:

[BeerAd]

Jeez, let'd go for the machine gun approach instead of picking things :P


Ummmm, Thats how I roll? :fly:

[SemperFly]

apparently from FHM or Maxim
very long


100 Things Men Should Know About Women

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she's going to outlive you.



99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she's trying to keep herself in line.



98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can't get a hard-on she assumes you're not attracted to her or you are gay.



97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.



96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.



95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.



94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn't get along with other women because she's either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.



93. Girls who say, "I love sports!" are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they're talking about, are not.



92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she's most fertile.



91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.



90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it's their car.



89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.



88. "If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late." Claire, 27



87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.



86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.



85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she's Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

(This turned out to be a prank)



84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute - scientific proof most women are decent in bed.



83. Women always want to believe what you're saying is true.



82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.



81. The threesome is not about you; it's about the two girls. If you're lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there's a good chance it'll end the relationship.



80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they'll take it.



79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you've ever had.



78. "I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I've come. Wait five minutes." Erin, 21



77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.



76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she'll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.



75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.



74. "Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They're trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom." Suzy, 31



73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.



72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.



71. "Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do - lower abdomen, nipples - we just get rid of them." Katie, 26



70. Unless they're lesbians, she won't approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they're ugly. And, really, even if they're lesbians.



69. If you have something to hide, she'll find it.



68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.



67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you'll be "friended."



66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.



65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.



64. An online dating service's survey found that a woman's ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.



63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.



62. A British study claims a woman's chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.



61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.



60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.



59. "When I'm drunk, I can't come. Not even with a vibrator." Lauren, 35



58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.



57. Most women think they're better drivers than they are. Don't point this out while she's at the wheel or she'll freak and crash.



56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.



54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she'll change her tune. "I've known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy," says Evie, 22.



53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie's lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.



52. Despite always complimenting another woman's short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.



51. Don't call her "cute." In her mind it's the same as "not vomit-inducing." Sexy - OK. Hot - yes. "Fucking awesome" - only if she's at least slightly buzzed.



50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they're in denial about the size of their feet which they can't stand.



49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.



48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they're unsure.



47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.



46. Women want to talk dirty, but they're afraid you won't respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn't make her less classy and she'll probably go wild. Jager helps.



45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine's readers are women.



44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man - including anal.



41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about someone else's opinion.



40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.



39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.



38. Let her beat you at something once in a while - poker, chess, Ping-Pong - and she'll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.



37. Women's public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men's.



36. "At one point or another, I've gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I'm talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don't like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It's not about trust; it's about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it's been satiated." Caroline, 28



35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.



34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It's only about four minutes long.



33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!



32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they're hovering above the toilet in a squat.



31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.



30. "Don't caress our faces while we're kissing, unless you really, really, really like us." Rachel, 21



29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.



28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn't know.



27. Gain her trust when you're out by calling her at 10 P.M. She'll go to bed content you're thinking of her, even if you're slurping Jell-O shots off some skank's cleavage.



26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.



25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.



24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.



23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you'll see it more often.



22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.



21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.



20. All women think they're smarter than their partners in some significant way.



19. The more piercings she has, the more places she'll let you put it.



18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.



17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.



16. Chicks aren't afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.



15. Girls don't want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.



14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see - she'll just want to leave early.



13. "Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn't give you an excuse to suck at foreplay." Elena, 28



12. Studies show women are more attracted to "macho" guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they're drawn to "good providers" otherwise known as chumps.



11. She likes one of your friends.



10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.



9. The minute she decides she's even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.



8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to Loreal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).



7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That's your five o'clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we're not suggesting you shave.)

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

4. Foghat's "Slow Ride" is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she'll never be able to argue you out of: "I'm sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you."

2. Buying a present for your girl? She'll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

[HydroSqueegee]

Chilli Cookoff


Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[InnerMuse]

Is anal retentive hyphenated?

Ask this guy...
nsfw

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/DroolPackage 003_fixt.JPG

[BeerAd]

apparently from FHM or Maxim
very long



hahaha

I dont have time to read them all but skimming threw, this is definately a come back to later, post

[mikey]

Top 7 signs that Richard Cheney has a bad heart...

7) Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.
6) His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.
5) He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease."
4) He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.
3) After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!"
2) Let's face it: He's a politician.
1) During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."

[FlamingGlory]

Ummmm, Thats how I roll? :fly:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a7/JihadBarney.jpg

[InnerMuse]

this one has been around alot but i just got it again today...

You might be a Floridian if...


Gawd, I've been in Fla for way too long.

[mikey]

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/main-fox.jpg

[FlamingGlory]

Actually if you want to read something funny:

http://ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=490975&page=1

[BeerAd]

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/main-fox.jpg

OMG where can i get that shirt???????

[mikey]

OMG where can i get that shirt???????




http://whitehousegiftshop.org/

[BeerAd]

Actually if you want to read something funny:

http://ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=490975&page=1

Well thats a little piece of history time forgot:fly:

[Sarcasmo]

Long.

This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself
This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph.

This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self-referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self- referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrating the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it.

This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down.

Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later.

This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the only sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even one single sentence from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence fragment, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, this sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. This sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later.

This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph.

This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story e.g., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self- indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless also serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well- meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is almost the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very raisons d'etre of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self- examination.

The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe that's why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences just like this one, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid

Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after frag- ment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device.

The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one.

This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start.

This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the subliminal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook.

Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.

The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry.

The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario.

This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line.

This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps this very clause? Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? One?

Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just try harder. I mean, there is such a thing as free will, there has to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just try harder.

By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder.

Sorry.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself.

This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is.

Sorry.


To say that that is awesome wouldn't really do it justice.

[BeerAd]

So I am trying to gain some extra company money by doing some calling for a residual program. Now I found this funny as hell but this just shows how small the area is I am calling, this was the last customer I talked to...

LICKING VALLEY COON HUNTERS

I mean, lol, come on now

[Sarcasmo]

Back when I did end user computer sales I had a client named Bubba Grenade. He was awesome. Thick southern drawl (imagine that), and instead of 'yes' or 'no' he'd say affirmative or negative. And he didn't speak, he shouted, which could really drive nails into your brain sometimes.

"So you need a replacement backlit display for your Toshiba and an additional 256 of RAM?"

"THAT'S AFFIRMATIVE."

"Alright stick with me for a minute and I'll give you your tracking number."

"10-4."

"Jesus."

"NEGATIVE."

[BeerAd]

Back when I did end user computer sales I had a client named Bubba Grenade. He was awesome. Thick southern drawl (imagine that), and instead of 'yes' or 'no' he'd say affirmative or negative. And he didn't speak, he shouted, which could really drive nails into your brain sometimes.

"So you need a replacement backlit display for your Toshiba and an additional 256 of RAM?"

"THAT'S AFFIRMATIVE."

"Alright stick with me for a minute and I'll give you your tracking number."

"10-4."

"Jesus."

"NEGATIVE."

Oh Ive had my fair share of those types but I dont do it anymore until just recently and forgot about all the nut bags and just odd ppl out their. Makes me feel less crazy :)

[SpyderGST]

Lifted from another site, but relevant:

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/liquids-on-a-plane.jpg

[FlamingGlory]

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous think brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

"There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics."

"Is this a self-referential joke?"

"What is a rigorous definition of rigor? "

[KNYTE]

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous think brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

I would like to hear more about this.

[FlamingGlory]

I would like to hear more about this.
Ok... Maybe that was too subtle for this crowd.

[BeerAd]

Ok... Maybe that was too subtle for this crowd.

Well I got it, i think :confused: :fly:

[mikey]

Ok... Maybe that was too subtle for this crowd.



No, I got it.

HAha

[BeerAd]

No, I got it.

HAha

No, NO YOU DIDNT :fly:

[bast_imret]

Ok... Maybe that was too subtle for this crowd.

If it defies descrpition, how did the narrator describe her??? :shifty:

[FlamingGlory]

If it defies descrpition, how did the narrator describe her??? :shifty:
THERE YA GO!

I had a whole book of philosophical jokes once. I wish I could find it.

[BeerAd]

THERE YA GO!

I had a whole book of philosophical jokes once. I wish I could find it.

Thank Gawd :fly:

[InnerMuse]

Lifted from another site, but relevant:

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/liquids-on-a-plane.jpg
:clap: 2 points!

[zengirl]

I heard this one this morning:

If a mute swears, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

[mikey]

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/kkk.jpeg


nsfw folks

[InnerMuse]

Alright folks, I'm giving everyone an extention ( what? I'm a lazy ass and couldn't find any "decent" prizes to give you.) You have until noon tomorrow to post your jokes.

Good luck!:heart:

[mikey]

http://uselessforums.com/files/120505/tamm.jpg

[JPatrick]

http ://uselessforums.com/files/120505/kkk.jpeg


Normally I wouldnt bitch, but that shit needs an NSFW and a spoiler tag, yo.

[mikey]

Normally I wouldnt bitch, but that shit needs an NSFW and a spoiler tag, yo.




fixt, sorry

[BeerAd]

Dont know if this a repeat but....


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help
you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop
asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" It wasss on the end
of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and
sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My
girlfriend's gone too!!"

[InnerMuse]

Final Call everyone!!

30 min. Warning!
Send in your last entries and prepare to be amazed! I've dredged up some great prizes for you this month. :heart:

[mikey]

http://www.intarwebnet.com/mdb/bahahaha.gif

[FlamingGlory]

Final Call everyone!!

30 min. Warning!
Send in your last entries and prepare to be amazed! I've dredged up some great prizes for you this month. :heart:
Yuh huh.

In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention - so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

[BeerAd]

Yuh huh.

In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention - so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

LOL, jackass

[FlamingGlory]

Old:


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle leve to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[InnerMuse]

http://www.intarwebnet.com/mdb/bahahaha.gif

Amputee Fu? *sp

[FlamingGlory]

Perceptions of the election have also been undermined by the fatal shooting last month of a former Nazarbayev loyalist who had become a prominent opposition figure. He was found dead at his home in Almaty with two gunshot wounds in the chest and one in the head. The police officials have suggested that the death was a suicide.

(from The New York Times, December 5, 2005)

[FlamingGlory]

Amputee Fu? *sp
Deformity, from [M] I think.

[KNYTE]

So the Mormon Prophet, a Jewish Rabbi, and the Pope are fishing together on a quiet lake. The Prophet realizes that he needs to use the restroom, so stands up, steps off the side of the boat, and casually walks on the water to bank where the bathroom is, a few minutes later he walks casually back.

After a while the Rabbi decides he also needs to use the restroom, so he politely excuses himself, steps off the side of the boat, walks on the water to the bank, then returns as if everything is fine.

The Pope, not wanting to outdone by his friends, and also in need of using the restroom, musters his courage and jumps over the side into the water, sinking immediately under the waves.

The Prophet turns to the Rabbi and says "Didn't you tell him where the rocks were?"

[BeerAd]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now

need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.

P....

E....

N.....

I.....

S....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

[JPatrick]

http://www.intarwebnet.com/mdb/bahahaha.gif


Looks like his balls itch really really bad and hes trying to get at them with his teeth.

[FlamingGlory]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says,"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

[BeerAd]

So the Mormon Prophet, a Jewish Rabbi, and the Pope are fishing together on a quiet lake. The Prophet realizes that he needs to use the restroom, so stands up, steps off the side of the boat, and casually walks on the water to bank where the bathroom is, a few minutes later he walks casually back.

After a while the Rabbi decides he also needs to use the restroom, so he politely excuses himself, steps off the side of the boat, walks on the water to the bank, then returns as if everything is fine.

The Pope, not wanting to outdone by his friends, and also in need of using the restroom, musters his courage and jumps over the side into the water, sinking immediately under the waves.

The Prophet turns to the Rabbi and says "Didn't you tell him where the rocks were?"

Its only funny cause your a mormon!!! lol jk, good joke ;)

[BeerAd]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says,"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

bwhahahahhaahhaha, :(

[FlamingGlory]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[BeerAd]

did i post this last time...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.

Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.

This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.

This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.

Always look around the office for the Out The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS..

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.

This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Poop Well and Prosper!

[BeerAd]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Now that one is good, lol

[wanko80]

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

[wanko80]

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

[FlamingGlory]

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[SemperFly]

A lawyer, a rabbi, and J Edgar Hoover walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[bast_imret]

lol, "reports to hell . . ." Engineer alright :lol:

[BeerAd]

This was classic but great too...


SCROLL SLOW!!!!!!!!!


TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS


Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.







Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates.


Candidate A -

Associates with crooked poli ticians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.


Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.


Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.



Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.














----------------------------------------------




Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.








And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:


Amateurs built the Ark

Professionals built the Titanic




and in case you never saw this one..! ....

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?









It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[InnerMuse]

Alright the results are in!

First prize winner is FlaGHole with a total of 14 points.:clap:

Thrawn and FlamingGloryHole tie for the political prize with 6 points each.

Bonus points awarded to SpyderGSt for the great Liquids on a Plane spoof.



Special thanks to Drool and bast for their wonderful guest commentary (lol itchy balls and narrator), zengirl for adding teh cuteness, FlyNavy for the Moses joke, KNYTE for more religious humor, wonko80 for the vegetarian joke, BeeRad for making me laugh at my Floridian self, and Hydrosqueege for his Chili cook-off.

-and thrawn, if you ever reenact the Tampon Tag thing, you better get pictures!

[FlamingGlory]

Yay I guess. I liked the story that kept talking about itself the best.

[BeerAd]

Alright the results are in!

First prize winner is FlaGHole with a total of 14 points.:clap:

Thrawn and FlamingGloryHole tie for the political prize with 6 points each.

Bonus points awarded to SpyderGSt for the great Liquids on a Plane spoof.



Special thanks to Drool and bast for their wonderful guest commentary (lol itchy balls and narrator), zengirl for adding teh cuteness, FlyNavy for the Moses joke, KNYTE for more religious humor, wonko80 for the vegetarian joke, BeeRad for making me laugh at my Floridian self, and Hydrosqueege for his Chili cook-off.

-and thrawn, if you ever reenact the Tampon Tag thing, you better get pictures!


Wha????


Oh I get it, if I win everytime they will know you :heart: me on the side:fly:

[InnerMuse]

Wha????


Oh I get it, if I win everytime they will know you :heart: me on the side:fly:
Dude, you love yourself on the side, Cranky McSpankerton...

[BeerAd]

Dude, you love yourself on the side, Cranky McSpankerton...

Ok, Noobie Newberton

[KNYTE]

I think there should be a spamming limit as part of the contest.

Everyone gets 2 or so entries, then you pick the best.

[BeerAd]

I think there should be a spamming limit as part of the contest.

Everyone gets 2 or so entries, then you pick the best.

LOOK YOU DONT MAKE THE RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



SPAM, spamity spam spam spam :fly: