Bad Joke Monday!

[InnerMuse]

Ok, so give me your cheesiest, punniest, funniest, and CLEANEST jokes. I need some material for meeting the boyfriends 'rents.

[Fat Burger]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[FlamingGlory]

There are two penguins standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?

How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

How do you stop a Polish cavalry charge? Unplug the carousel.

How many gnats does it take two screw in a light bulb? Two, but you have to get them in the bulb.

[KNYTE]

2 guys walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says "I didn't see it either."

[Galen]

What's the difference between an airline flight deck and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

[Dharma1521]

There are two penguins standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?

How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

How do you stop a Polish cavalry charge? Unplug the carousel.

How many gnats does it take two screw in a light bulb? Two, but you have to get them in the bulb.


What's up with the dead baby jokes? I never thought they were funny . . . . not trying to pick on Flaming Glory.

[Dharma1521]

So this girl calls AAA because her engine isn't working. When the tech got there he told her that her bicycle was fine . . . hard de har har

[BeerAd]

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The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After carefull consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
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Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink" Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO".

[FlamingGlory]

What's up with the dead baby jokes? I never thought they were funny . . . . not trying to pick on Flaming Glory.
Shock value. If you have like 20 or so you can rattle off they make great people repellent.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.

[BeerAd]

THE TALE OF THE BLONDE HORSEBACK RIDER......

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Eddie, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[BeerAd]

Shock value. If you have like 20 or so you can rattle off they make great people repellent.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.

Whats the best thing about twenty-eight year olds?









Theres 20 of them

[BeerAd]

oh yeah, it said cleannnnn didnt it...

Texas Trooper

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in
Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the
guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road
you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've
tried that shit with me!"

[Coqui]

^:lol:

[inline4]

Guy sitting at a bar when this guy next to him starts going nuts talking to himself..

"I'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, i'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, i'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam"

Guy looks at this poor fella and says,
"Guy, relax.. your to tense"

get it.. two tents..

god that joke sucks..

[elpmis]

what's the difference between exxon mobile and a room full of filthy, lying, money hungry butt fucking faggots ...

[Galen]

I see what you did there

[Coqui]

So an Irishman walks past a bar.

[*Fuxx Burger*]

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark??


Flood lights!!!









Get it? Flood....?


:(

[Arátoeldar]

What do you call a bird that gets stuck under a lawnmower?

Shredded Tweat.

[Sarcasmo]

Two antennas met, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was fantastic.

[BeerAd]

A professor was giving a lecture on
"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not
the most riveting subject
the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said,
"Do you know
what your ass hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied,
"He's probably drinking beer
at the bar with his friends

[BeerAd]

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well,
the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! !

[InnerMuse]

:lol: So far, BeeRad's in the lead. He might get a boobie prize... :hi2u:

[FlamingGlory]

:lol: So far, BeeRad's in the lead. He might get a boobie prize... :hi2u:
Well you have a b/f I fail to see the need to impress you.

[JPatrick]

Farmer John was the best at what he did, that is to say he was outstaning in his field.

[BeerAd]

:lol: So far, BeeRad's in the lead. He might get a boobie prize... :hi2u:

I just get a whoollllllle lotta emails from my buddy who has a talent for looking like he is working

[BeerAd]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?? Well, if you think you know the
>answer......think again.......,
>
>
>
>The day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
>
>She picked a little boy to do the first test.
>
>She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,
>
>"Do you know what it is?"
>
>"No, I don't," said the little boy.
>
>"Okay, I'll give you a clue.
>
>It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
>
>Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
>
>"Spit it out!
>
>It's a piece of ass!"

[fly]

Why did Captain Picard urinate on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you get when you cross a ape and a wife? A monkey wench.

[Fat Burger]

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two long legs and two short legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Side of beef.

[InnerMuse]

Well you have a b/f I fail to see the need to impress you.

Well, FINE then. None for j00. :P

[FlamingGlory]

Well, FINE then. None for j00. :P
How many jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

5 million and 4.
2 in the front, 2 in the back and 5 million in the ashtray.

Er, wait, dammit where is Bubbles.

[InnerMuse]

:lol: Fat Burger and FlamingGlory are tied for second

[mikey]

what's the difference between black people and snow tires?

snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them

[InnerMuse]

:omy: Wow... that's.. I have no response ...

[InnerMuse]

Hurry up, people. Last call! I've got to leave here in 5 minutes. I want to give out my boobie prizes...

[mikey]

there's always yo mama jokes

[InnerMuse]

Thank you for your entries. The prizes are being sent through PM. The results are:

1st: BeeRad
Tied at 2nd: FatBurger and FlamingGlory

If you have more, save them for next month. I think I'm going to do this on a regular basis. It lightens the mood on a dreary Monday.

Thanks for your inspiration, folks!

[FlamingGlory]

Past the time limit but:

Yo mamma so stupid when they said it was going to be chilly she ran outside with a bowl and spoon.

How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how far you stretch 'em.

How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

A bear walks up to a bar and asks: Can I have a vodka and ...
...
...
...
...lime?'
The bartender says: Why the big pause? The bear replies: Dunno my father had them too.


ETA: Dammit I started typing this before you posted that! :P

[*Fuxx Burger*]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded." Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

~~~~~~~

[InnerMuse]

One of my favorites was the Texas cop joke. My b/f's dad is a sheriff.

[Sarcasmo]

what's the difference between black people and snow tires?

snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Sarcasmo]

A man walks into a dentist's office and walks up to the receptionist. "Excuse me, can you help me? I'm afraid I've turned into a moth!"

The receptionist replies "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man says.

"So why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

[fly]

A man walks into a dentist's office and walks up to the receptionist. "Excuse me, can you help me? I'm afraid I've turned into a moth!"

The receptionist replies "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man says.

"So why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."
omfg thats hilarous. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

[shawndavid]

Have you heard of the new Jewish tires?

They're called Firesteins...they not only stop on a dime they pick it up.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

[mikey]

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?


give her a shovel

[fly]

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?







































A pilot you fucking racist.

[BeerAd]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

[Sarcasmo]

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?



A pilot you fucking racist.



I was going to say an inmate who took over the U.S. Marshal's transport plane.

[FlamingGlory]

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.
I thought it was a "niger".